This masterpiece is not the Waluigi movie script we want, but it’s the one we deserveAugust 17, 2018
Waluigi might not be in the upcoming Super Smash Brothers game, but he’s still in the hearts of gamers across the internet who like their anti-heroes tall, dark, and pointily mustachioed.
One of these fans, who simply goes by “Asher,” has gone so far as to pen a dark, Lynchian reboot starring none other than that other purple prince, Waluigi. The plot — if you can call it that — involves shadowy figures, a closeted romance between Waluigi and Wario, and hundreds of empty wallets. Other characters from across the Mario universe make their own cameos across the script’s nearly 90 pages of insanity.
We were originally tipped off about the script by a friend of The Verge, who saw this mysterious poster stuck to a local mailbox. Scanning the QR code in the corner led us to the 89-page script, in all of its glory. (Tragically, contrary to advertising, it was not written by Richard Bachman, a pen name of Stephen King, nor was it directed by “Alan Smithy,” certainly a reference to “Alan Smithee,” the name commonly used by Hollywood filmmakers who want to divorce their own names from the project. Wikipedia lists past Smithee projects including the fourth Hellraiser movie and the broadcast TV cuts of Dune and Heat.) Spoilers follow for The Waluigi Movie script. Please let us spoil it for you. Please.
The story opens innocently enough. We’re introduced to Waluigi, his wife, and his nameless child, before cutting to a menagerie of Mario Party stars getting “fucked up.” Shy Guy casually smokes weed somewhere in the background, while Bullet Bill, Yoshi, Toad, and Birdo debate the merits of blackout drinking. Bill, for his part, loves drinking to the point of peeing himself — “It’s a small tax for the feeling of invincibility I get from alcohol,” he observes.
What follows is a nightmarish sequence of events: Waluigi dreams about a shadowy, contorting woman, before waking up in a car with his partner in crime, Wario. During small talk, Wario asks, “Do you think anyone has even fallen asleep with a condom on and then had a wet dream?”
“That would be amazing.” he adds. “The ecstasy of the wet dream paired with none of the hassle.”
Waluigi exits the car, crosses the street, walks up to a nearby parked car, and shoots the driver in the chest before stealing his wallet. “I’ve found in this line of work that we rarely predict our own deaths, but I’ve become quite good at predicting the deaths of others,” he muses, before putting the gun into the driver’s mouth and pulling the trigger. The rest of the script cuts back and forth between the Mario “party” and the gritty reality of living like Waluigi — and trust us, it is gritty. (Like, gritty, but also wildly misogynistic.)
The script ends with a cut to a surprisingly cheery Waluigi leaving a locker room to play tennis. It’s an ending that leaves us with infinite questions: Was the entire screenplay some kind of drug-addled dream? Who was the water cooler guy? Did Bullet Bill ever get sober? And dear god, what happened to Luigi?
Asher’s entire work, if you want to read it, is below. Don’t say we didn’t warn you — it’s… a lot.